The funniest man on the web writes:
NEW YORK - Major stock indexes posted broad gains on heavy trading early Tuesday on news that a rogue group of student protesters from New York University had taken over the White House and barricaded themselves in the Oval Office. The Dow posted a 1100 point (17%) gain in the first hour of trading, wiping out nearly all of its loss since January 20 and almost 35% of losses since November 4.
"Finally, we're seeing encouraging signs of sanity in Washington," said UBS market analyst Jane Cohen.
"They tricked us," complained exiled Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. "They said they were only coming by to chillax with some OG kush and talk about the stimulus bill and shit."
According to Secret Service officials, when the president and aides left the Oval Office in search of a seed tray and some kibble the students barred the door, effectively taking over the executive branch.
After the takeover, coup leader and presumed acting US President Skyler Lozano appeared on a White House balcony to unfurl a "Free Gaza" banner and recite a list of the group's demands, including "cruelty-free consensus," "vegan lunchboxes," "end of the corporatist empire," and "free Wi-Fi in all dorms." Newly appointed US Secretary of Drum Circles Rachel Morgenthau then ordered all federal employees to go on a general strike until "we reach a democratic consensus on meeting a timetable for agreeing to a community framework for a collective demand consensus."
Read the whole thing here.