No Mas, No Mas!

For some reason there's a lot of weird/disgusting stuff out there today and of course I have to report it for the benefit of all you bereft Dave Barry fans. But, I promise, this it it for today:

AP reports -- well, I can't improve on this:

Jurors and others in Judge Donald Thompson's courtroom kept hearing a strange whooshing noise, like a bicycle pump or maybe a blood pressure cuff.

During one trial, Thompson seemed so distracted some jurors thought he was playing a hand-held video game or tying fly-fishing lures behind the bench. The explanation, investigators said, is even stranger than some imagined: the judge had a habit of masturbating with a penis pump under his robe during trials.

Read the whole thing here.